In one of my recent posts, I talked about my sinful past. Someone said to me after reading that post; “That’s not the Gary I know.” Well, that’s me. I am a sinner saved by grace. It is only by the grace of God that I am any different nowadays. That particular version of myself was over 25 years ago and, yes, I am changed by the goodness and mercy and grace of God. I am thankful for his forgiveness and for all the ways he has and is continuing to transform me. I am also thankful for the forgiveness of those I have hurt. Sin never happens in isolation; it affects everyone around me. My sinful behavior around and towards my loved ones has repercussions that reverberate throughout the rest of my life and the lives of those I hurt.
I am thankful for pain. I regret the pain I have caused, but I can honestly say that I am full of gratitude for all the negative crap that has come into my life.
I am not the same Gary I was when my wife and I were dating and when we first got married. I am not that same Gary, because Jesus has changed me. But that doesn’t mean that I no longer sin. It was the obvious, outward sins that the Lord dealt with initially in my life after I gave it to him. Now the sins are more hidden. Selfishness is not always obvious. I can be selfish and make you think I am being selfless. It is true. So often my so called selfless acts are actually masking a desire to be seen as someone who is good. I don’t throw things or hit people anymore, but I am not beyond acting like a really nice guy so you will like me and think well of me. Sin is such an insidious thing! It can hide in the tiniest nooks and crannies of my soul.
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy…
I have come a long way from that person I was 25 years ago
The change really began on Mothers Day 1993.
I had decided to get healthy. I was fat and I wanted to lose weight. I tend to have the kind of personality that gets into things all the way; when I get into something, it is all or nothing. When I started getting into being a party animal biker, it was all or nothing. I couldn’t just be content with riding a motorcycle, I had to hang out with Hell’s Angels. When I started getting into bicycling it was all or nothing. I wanted to get so good at it that I could enter bicycle races or ride my bicycle hundreds of miles.
I was introduced to bicycling by an artist friend who had some very sophisticated high end bicycles. I was drawn to the simplicity and beauty of the bicycle and suddenly had this desire to buy a high end bike for myself. I wasn’t even sure I could ride one properly. And I damn sure didn’t know if one of those light weight aluminum frames could hold my large body. I had sold my motorcycle and used part of the money for a down payment and took out a loan for the remainder of the cost, much to my wife’s dismay. It was an expensive bike!
Through bicycle riding I began to get into shape. I actually did break the frame on my first Raleigh bicycle, but it had a warranty so they replaced it for me. I lost a bunch of weight and started riding long trips with some new bicycle friends. I went from spending most weekends out partying with my biker friends to putting in miles with my bicyclist friends. I started spending my weekends on the bicycle, leaving Kim and Derek at home. I still didn’t quite get what it meant to be a husband and father.
It was Mother’s Day 1993 when I went out on my mountain bike. It was a beautiful, clear day. I told Kim I would be back and then we would go visit our respective moms. I rode about 10 miles or so away from home. While on my way, I passed the church I used to attend. It felt strange. I hadn’t been to church by this time for a few years. There were people going into the church. I felt a little tug in my heart to go in. “Naw,” I remember saying out loud, “maybe I’ll come back tonight for the evening service.” I kept riding and ended up in the gravel pit behind my old school. It was a beautiful day and I was just enjoying being alone with my bicycle. I found a great path from the top of the pit that spiraled down toward the bottom with a nice little natural ramp toward the bottom. I jumped and was able to get some massive air. It felt amazing! I kept doing this for I don’t know how long. I would ride to the top, fly down to the end of the path and jump, ride back up and do it again. It felt like I was reliving my childhood. Finally, realizing I had been gone long enough, I decided to do one more jump and then head home. But this time I landed on the front wheel and went over my handlebars landing on my head. I wasn’t wearing a helmet so I literally split the top front right side of my head open. I had knocked myself out for how long, I don’t really know. I just know that when I woke up I didn’t know where I was or how I got there. My face felt numb so I put my hand to it and felt lots of blood. I knew at that point that something really bad had happened. I got on my bike, amazingly it was still ok. And rode out of the gravel pit. I was going on instinct; I just knew I had to get some help. I remember having a sense of someone with me; helping me; the only explanation for it was that there was an angel helping me out of that gravel pit. Somehow I got over to my parents house, who lived close by. I had to cross a major highway. I must’ve looked like a monster from a horror show. There was blood everywhere and there was a gaping gash on my forehead. My step dad freaked out when he saw me. He wouldn’t let my mom see me. (“Happy Mother’s Day, Mom, sorry for the blood on the carpet.”) He and my little brother took me to the hospital ER. They sewed me up and I remember asking the doctor if I was going to be alright. “We’re just gonna have to wait and see.” It was then that I realized that this was really bad.
Gratitude
There was a lot of pain from that accident. I had cracked my skull, broke my jaw bone and fractured three vertebrae in my lower spine. I don’t like pain. I doubt anyone really does. I was reflecting on pain just the other day. I wrote this in my journal:
Thank you, Lord, for pain (really?). It is in your loving care that you send pain to me. Pain is a teacher. It is not something to “get over” so that I can discover your will; it is your will. You have allowed it, therefore I must look at it as your will for me at this time in my life. It is in my response to pain that I am able to grow in Christlikeness. I believe it was St. Paul who said, “Rejoice always; pray continually, give thanks in all things… for this is God’s will for you in Christ…” It is often in the context of these times of pain that God’s Spirit works. The Spirit is allowed to work more profoundly in my life when I respond to pain with gratitude.
Joy Unspeakable!
The next morning in the hospital I felt a kind of joy I have never really experienced before. I felt the presence of God. I felt so glad to be alive. I had this sense that this was a second chance for me to live a life pleasing to God. And I was determined to do just that! Once I got home I continued to recover. I spent several days in bed but did a little walking around. I honestly couldn’t wait to get back on my bicycle (I still love to ride my bicycle; I wear a helmet now, in case you’re wondering). One day while laying in bed I began to listen to a cassette tape of Steve Camp, an early contemporary Christian musician. The song was called “He is All You Need.” As I listened to that song I became overwhelmed with emotion. I was experiencing heaving sobs realizing my desperate need for God and how grateful that he was with me. It was a powerful moment. I really came to realize in that moment that he was indeed all I needed.
Soon I started going to church again. This time I went all in for Jesus, and I started really loving my family. I began to put effort into being a husband and father.
Sadly, this lasted a few years until I again fell away from God and started down another negative path. This path looked good on the outside, but it would lead me away from the Lord for another season of my life.